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A friend of mine recently found himself facing a tough decision. Does he continue to pursue the dream of being a successful published author or does he get out now and save what's left of his sanity? (You can read his recent post about his dilemma at http://chocolatefordogs.com/2008/11/18/choices-choices-choices/...an excellent blog by the way...I recommend you follow it if you're not already) It's a tough question really, and one I'm sure thousands of other writers are facing at this very moment.
It's certainly a question I've asked myself on more than one occasion. For me it's never a question of will I quit writing. I'm a writer in my soul. It is who I am. Expressing myself with words is my thing. I couldn't stop that if I tried. Pursuing it as a career is another thing altogether. It's brutal really. More brutal than I ever imagined it would be.
Creative people pour their hearts and souls into their work, whatever the medium. For those who find the courage - and believe me it takes courage - to try and get the world to see their work through their eyes, with the same passion and intensity they feel for it, the world can become a cold and lonely place. How is it that everyone you talk to does not see it? Does not get it like you do? Don't ask me...I don't know why.
What I do know is the struggle it creates in your heart when your creation doesn't fly off the shelves. For some of us, pouring your heart into a project is natural, easy almost. Marketing and selling it to others is a different game entirely. Getting your creation onto shelves is a battle in itself. Once you climb that hurdle you sigh a big sigh of relief. "There, I've done it. It's in the stores." Ha! If only it was that easy. Soon the reality sinks in as you see your creation collecting dust, hidden amongst the spines of thousands of other creative works.
At this point some might say that determination is the remaining factor that guides your fate. Fooey! I've got all the determination in the world, but I also have a full time job that pays my bills, a home to keep up, relationships to maintain. And I have to fight off the Dementor of my hopes and dreams...that dark hope sucking presence that weighs heavy on my heart and forces reality down my throat.
It is a process that can make you crazy. It forces you to make tough choices...financial choices, personal choices, professional choices...tough choices. So to my friend who posed the question all I can really say is this; follow your heart and hope that the rest will fall into place. Sometimes it's all you can do. And if the process really does make you crazy, then hope for some good drugs. And don't worry, I'll come visit you in the loony bin...I'm sure there'd be a good story in it.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Where'd that balance go?
Today I am back at work, working late, and wondering where all that wonderful balance went. Two days back in the office and my desk is absolutely buried...training applications for employees, purchase orders, domestic violence audit results, visa statements, and copies of McGruff the Crime Dogs word scramble puzzle (for the trick-o-treat bags that I've yet to put together) are scattered around my office. What a mess!
I wonder if my dog misses having me at home and making trips to play fetch by the river as much as I do. While he's locked up in the kitchen waiting for his dad to get home and let him out, I wonder if he stares out the window and thinks back to our leisurely days while I was on vacation last week. I know that's what I'm doing when I stare out the window at today's beautiful autumn weather. I wonder if my husband would support me being a stay at home mom for Jack the springer/setter/pound pup?
I know that working the occasional long day at the office is part of the perfectly balanced life, but today I think I'd rather be drinking a pumpkin spice soy chai tea and strolling along the riverbank with Jack happily bouncing along at my side.
I wonder if my dog misses having me at home and making trips to play fetch by the river as much as I do. While he's locked up in the kitchen waiting for his dad to get home and let him out, I wonder if he stares out the window and thinks back to our leisurely days while I was on vacation last week. I know that's what I'm doing when I stare out the window at today's beautiful autumn weather. I wonder if my husband would support me being a stay at home mom for Jack the springer/setter/pound pup?
I know that working the occasional long day at the office is part of the perfectly balanced life, but today I think I'd rather be drinking a pumpkin spice soy chai tea and strolling along the riverbank with Jack happily bouncing along at my side.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Balance
I spent my day today selling pumpkins. In addition to owning a small press, being an aspiring writer, and holding down a day job to actually pay the bills, I also operate a small u-pick pumpkin farm with my husband.
Certainly there are times when it feels like a lot; then there are weeks like this one when the balance feels perfect. I started out my week in Seattle, attending a conference with other law enforcement professionals talking about the standardization of crime statistics reporting and, in one case, how those statistics can be better used to track information on missing children. I spent my evenings eating good food, shopping, and visiting with colleagues. In the late evenings I worked on my books, updating my website with info on new signing events and keeping up with correspondence.
I returned home mid-week to get ready for opening day on the farm. I was able to spend time with my dog Jack, playing at the lake and enjoying some glorious fall weather. I got to enjoy time on my farm, making applesauce, picking the last of the blackberries, cleaning and taking care of final details to be ready for today. The days spent working on the farm are so fulfilling and always leave me feeling grounded and whole.
Today I got to see family and old friends and make new friends as people came to our sweet little farm in search of the perfect pumpkin for carving and baking. There were little children, filled with wonder and joy, running and playing, going from one pumpkin to the next saying, "I want this one. Wait, no, I want this one. Or maybe I want this one."
This evening while I await the arrival of some dear friends who graciously offered to bring us dinner on this busy day, I am able to spend some time reflecting on just how lucky I am. My life is full...bursting at the seams really. I am surrounded by people who love and appreciate me, and my days are filled with the perfect balance of the things that bring me joy. Life is good.
Certainly there are times when it feels like a lot; then there are weeks like this one when the balance feels perfect. I started out my week in Seattle, attending a conference with other law enforcement professionals talking about the standardization of crime statistics reporting and, in one case, how those statistics can be better used to track information on missing children. I spent my evenings eating good food, shopping, and visiting with colleagues. In the late evenings I worked on my books, updating my website with info on new signing events and keeping up with correspondence.
I returned home mid-week to get ready for opening day on the farm. I was able to spend time with my dog Jack, playing at the lake and enjoying some glorious fall weather. I got to enjoy time on my farm, making applesauce, picking the last of the blackberries, cleaning and taking care of final details to be ready for today. The days spent working on the farm are so fulfilling and always leave me feeling grounded and whole.
Today I got to see family and old friends and make new friends as people came to our sweet little farm in search of the perfect pumpkin for carving and baking. There were little children, filled with wonder and joy, running and playing, going from one pumpkin to the next saying, "I want this one. Wait, no, I want this one. Or maybe I want this one."
This evening while I await the arrival of some dear friends who graciously offered to bring us dinner on this busy day, I am able to spend some time reflecting on just how lucky I am. My life is full...bursting at the seams really. I am surrounded by people who love and appreciate me, and my days are filled with the perfect balance of the things that bring me joy. Life is good.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Self-Reflection...Ouch!
Recently I was asked to participate in a personality profile/evaluation as part of some training I was attending for a volunteer organization. As usual, I was busy with other things and forgot to complete the online evaluation until the last minute. The volunteer work I was doing was important to me, but it was not evidenced by the amount of time I had spent preparing. So I attempted to find a quiet spot in the house and sat down to answer the questions. It didn't take long, and as instructed, I didn't spend a lot of time on any of the questions..."just go with your gut response and be honest with yourself." It was easy enough, and I was up and running in ten directions at once in no time.
I promptly forgot all about the process until I received the emailed results the following day. I didn't have time to read through it then and planned to print it out and read it on the plane on my way to the training. Later that night curiosity got the better of me and I opened it up to have a look. It takes only one word to describe how I felt as I read through the several page response - SHOCK. How is it possible for less than 30 questions that took me less than 30 minutes to answer so accurately describe my personality? More importantly, why would I want to see that outlined on paper...the good, the bad and the ugly. But there it was, staring me in the face.
About 90% of the things in the report rang far too true. Perhaps the other 10% was wrong - as I like to believe - or perhaps that last 10% is just too much for me to take in. It took awhile for the process to sink in as it was, and so began a restless period of self-reflection.
Everywhere you look these days you can find the topic of self-reflection; on the bookshelf, audio recordings, the net. All those sources will tell you that really knowing yourself is a positive thing. I can assure you, that is not how I felt when I first read through "the report". There were things that didn't surprise me; "Lisa wants to be liked by everyone and to be recognized for her willingness to help others in time of need. She is optimistic and usually has a positive sense of humor. She places her focus on people." That was not news to me and didn't really sting.
But there was a recurring theme within the report that I didn't like as much. Under the section intended for people who might supervise or work along side me it posted a warning of sorts. "Lisa tends to trust people and may be taken advantage of because of her high level of trust"; "Lisa may leap to a favorable conclusion without considering all the facts"; "Because of her trust and willing acceptance of people, she may misjudge the abilities of others." This report took things that I thought were good qualities and painted them in a little different light. That was what stung.
In the days and weeks that followed I found myself constantly pondering that description of me. My openness and acceptance of all people, my assumption that people mean well just as I do...was it in fact a negative trait? Was it something I should try to change? Should I be more cautious, more suspect of people and their intentions? More realistic perhaps? I looked back on past relationships - personal and professional - that had ended in ways that I wished had been different and began to apply the possibility that I had given these people too much credit, had been too trusting.
Lo and behold, I found these traits of mine were visible at the root of the problem in many of those cases. I began to realize that expecting too much of people not only disappoints me, but can put a lot of pressure on the other person. Assuming they are something they are not and then being disappointed in them when they turn out not to be who I'd built them up to be in my mind is unfair.
Now the big question, what do I do with this new self-awareness? I don't really have the answer to that. I don't want to stop being trusting of people. I don't want to be suspect of them and doubt their intentions. It seems like it would add a darkness to my soul that I don't have room for. But I don't want to expect so much of others that they could only succeed at disappointing me. I suppose that's the thing about self-reflection...it's never ending and the answers are never easy.
"And yet self-knowledge is thought by some not so easy. Who knows, my dear sir, but for a time you may have taken yourself for somebody else? Stranger things have happened."
- Herman Melville
I promptly forgot all about the process until I received the emailed results the following day. I didn't have time to read through it then and planned to print it out and read it on the plane on my way to the training. Later that night curiosity got the better of me and I opened it up to have a look. It takes only one word to describe how I felt as I read through the several page response - SHOCK. How is it possible for less than 30 questions that took me less than 30 minutes to answer so accurately describe my personality? More importantly, why would I want to see that outlined on paper...the good, the bad and the ugly. But there it was, staring me in the face.
About 90% of the things in the report rang far too true. Perhaps the other 10% was wrong - as I like to believe - or perhaps that last 10% is just too much for me to take in. It took awhile for the process to sink in as it was, and so began a restless period of self-reflection.
Everywhere you look these days you can find the topic of self-reflection; on the bookshelf, audio recordings, the net. All those sources will tell you that really knowing yourself is a positive thing. I can assure you, that is not how I felt when I first read through "the report". There were things that didn't surprise me; "Lisa wants to be liked by everyone and to be recognized for her willingness to help others in time of need. She is optimistic and usually has a positive sense of humor. She places her focus on people." That was not news to me and didn't really sting.
But there was a recurring theme within the report that I didn't like as much. Under the section intended for people who might supervise or work along side me it posted a warning of sorts. "Lisa tends to trust people and may be taken advantage of because of her high level of trust"; "Lisa may leap to a favorable conclusion without considering all the facts"; "Because of her trust and willing acceptance of people, she may misjudge the abilities of others." This report took things that I thought were good qualities and painted them in a little different light. That was what stung.
In the days and weeks that followed I found myself constantly pondering that description of me. My openness and acceptance of all people, my assumption that people mean well just as I do...was it in fact a negative trait? Was it something I should try to change? Should I be more cautious, more suspect of people and their intentions? More realistic perhaps? I looked back on past relationships - personal and professional - that had ended in ways that I wished had been different and began to apply the possibility that I had given these people too much credit, had been too trusting.
Lo and behold, I found these traits of mine were visible at the root of the problem in many of those cases. I began to realize that expecting too much of people not only disappoints me, but can put a lot of pressure on the other person. Assuming they are something they are not and then being disappointed in them when they turn out not to be who I'd built them up to be in my mind is unfair.
Now the big question, what do I do with this new self-awareness? I don't really have the answer to that. I don't want to stop being trusting of people. I don't want to be suspect of them and doubt their intentions. It seems like it would add a darkness to my soul that I don't have room for. But I don't want to expect so much of others that they could only succeed at disappointing me. I suppose that's the thing about self-reflection...it's never ending and the answers are never easy.
"And yet self-knowledge is thought by some not so easy. Who knows, my dear sir, but for a time you may have taken yourself for somebody else? Stranger things have happened."
- Herman Melville
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